Until Him

I never knew what real love was until my son came into my life.

Not because of the way that I love him (which is more than any words could ever convey), but because of how he loves me.

Despite all the grandiose ideas I had about the kind of parent I would be, when reality set in, I was/am far less than what I had hoped to be.

Every Single Day I make mistakes as a parent. I’m not patient enough. I don’t devote enough time. I get frustrated. I lose my cool. I’m not affectionate enough. I’m overbearing. I’m too sick to deal. I’m too busy to notice. I’m too stressed to care.

And yet, my son’s love for me never wavers. NEVER.

It astonishes me how quick he is to forgive. How he seems to have more patience with me than I have with him. How he seems to show me more grace than I show him.

He is the reflection of God’s love in my life. His love is pure. His love is unwavering. His love is consistent. His love never gives up on me. His love always forgives. His love always gives me another chance.

His love is not based upon what I do or do not do for him or to him. His love is based upon who I am to him- what I represent to him.

I am his mother. His safe place. His sense of security. In me he finds acceptance. In me he finds support. In me he finds encouragement. For him, that is how he receives love. And in spite of my imperfections, somehow that love always reaches him. Even when he’s mad at me for correcting him and guiding him towards making the right decisions. And even when I’ve totally and wrongfully taken my frustration out on him.

I don’t deserve him or his love. I often feel like he deserves so much more than me and what  I can offer. Yet I acknowledge that God chose me for a reason. In this moment I don’t quite know what that reason is, and I honestly don’t think I am supposed to know. I believe God wants me to blindly trust Him in the here and now. Trust Him to give me what I need so that I can impart in my son what he needs to mature into the person God has called him to be.

So I trust Him. I trust Him to use me to be the person/parent my son needs. And I thank my son for his graciousness and his love throughout the process.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s