For Women Who Are Searching

As a woman, I’ve noticed that we as women spend a lot of time talking about men. Specifically, the kind of men we want and what specifically we want from those men. We talk about our type, the must-haves, the must-nots, and everything in between.

But as I’ve been on this journey of bettering myself as a woman, I’ve realized that we put so much emphasis on what we need in a good man that we fail to pursue making ourselves good women.

It’s no secret that you attract what you are. So in order to draw that high quality man you desire, you must first be a woman of high quality that a good man would want to be associated with. Am I right?

Logically, what respectable man wants to be associated with a woman lacks respect for herself? What strong man wants to be with a woman who’s insecure? What driven man wants to be with a woman who has no purpose?

At some point there has to be some personal responsibility where we realize that there is a common denominator in all of our bad relationships and hookups; and well, it’s us. Not to say that you attracted a cheater because you are a cheater, or that you attracted an abusive man because you yourself are abusive. But to say that there are qualities in you that attracted and in many instances kept that negative man in your life. And it’s up to you to identify those qualities so you stop making the same poor choices.

I’ll use myself as an example so as not to call anyone out who may be reading. I found myself repeating a pattern with many of the guys I dated and/or talked to. They were disrespectful. They were abusive, whether verbally or otherwise. And they were manipulative. And for quite some time I carried this “woe is me” attitude around, playing the victim who just couldn’t understand why she kept ending up with these types. Until one day I got tired. I mean really just exhausted. Plus, for the first time ever there was a promising, worthy, male prospect in the picture to serve as an incentive of sorts. So I decided to stop blaming all of the guys from my past and look at me. Because after all, I was the one who had been choosing them.

So I looked at myself. I mean I took a very long, very hard, and incredibly uncomfortable look at myself. My choices, my actions, my words, the way I carried myself. And what did I find might you ask? I found that I was jacked up. I mean really jacked up. And I saw a whole bunch of junk in me that needed to be cleared out.

And then I made the pivotal decision to take all my baggage out of storage and purge it. Out with the old in the hopes of making room for the new. This meant altering my thought process. Altering my choices. Even altering some of the individuals in my circle. And that was the beginning of a new beginning.

The fact is that sometimes we need to make alterations in our lives. Things just aren’t fitting right. Things just don’t feel right. And with a few tweaks here and there you can get back on path you need to.

I truly believe if we’d spend more time on improving ourselves and more time focusing on what we need, that we could with great ease attract the men we desire.

A confident woman is easily spotted. A motivated woman can be readily identified. A wise woman is admired. A loyal woman is respected. A loving woman is cherished. These are the women that good, sound, respectable, and responsible men seek.

Take time to build yourself up with words of encouragement. Find your passion and pursue it fully. Spend time enhancing your knowledge. Stay true to your word in your dealings with others.

Men will rarely come out and say it, but they do notice all of these things. And something as seemingly simple as those items listed above can reveal a quality within you or a side of you that is desirable.

And what I’m about to say may cause some of you to stop reading. It may cause some of you to think I’m some old-fashioned girl who has been brainwashed into being subservient and lacks independence. BUT, I’m going to say it anyway.

There needs to be a shift in focus back to traditional values. I’m not saying give up your education or career for a man and stay home making babies. What I am saying is make your man feel respected and loved and make the home you share with him feel welcoming and inviting. You can make your man feel like a man without making yourself any less of a woman. And you can make your home a place your man enjoys being without being a servant.

I was speaking with a friend recently and this is word for word what he said to me, “A woman who can twerk is cool. A woman who likes to go out all the time is fun. But twerking and partying don’t demonstrate to me anything of value. And so that woman will be used purely for my entertainment. See these women have it all wrong. They think cooking for a man and cleaning the house makes them subservient, but that’s the furthest from the truth for me. That’s what I’m looking for. Because to me a woman who cooks and cleans is a nurturer. And if she can take care of her home I know she can take good care of me, my heart, my mind, my soul.” Wise words. Wise indeed.

I think we also need to get rid of this entitlement that I see many women have. This notion that we deserve to be taken care of. That we are almost owed that. That we shouldn’t have to work for anything or do anything. In actuality, THAT is making yourself dependent and weak.

I do very much believe that a man who’s in a relationship with a woman should provide for her and care for her, but I also believe that shouldn’t be a woman’s sole source of provision. And that holds true for financial support and emotional support. Strong driven men seek women who are also strong and driven. Not women who wait around for people to come along and do things for them. They want a woman who is on her own track to success and isn’t trying to live off of someone else’s. They want someone they can build a future with, not for.

But I think that ultimately, it’s really about discovering who you are as a woman and becoming okay with yourself. Accepting yourself for who you are. Embracing everything about you, good and bad. And then gradually changing those things about yourself that you notice and don’t like. And I’m not talking the superficial things such as looks. I’m talking the internal things like attitude, and insecurity, and wallowing in self-pity.

An incomplete woman is one who looks to a man to fix her, and that never works in a relationship. No man can heal our hurt, fill the hole in our heart, or solve our problems. It’s really up to us to put in the work to make ourselves whole, so that we can become like the men we want. And it is a lot of work. A LOT! But it’s worth it. Not just to get the man, but for us.

I cannot tell you the freedom I began to experience once I began the journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. The peace I felt. The joy I found. And ultimately the love that I discovered. Well really the love that was already there, but had been waiting (and waiting, and waiting) ever so patiently for me to get myself together.

But that only came after I decided I was done tolerating crap from others and myself. And only after I made a decision and stuck to it, to be a better person. And to be honest, that is a decision I have to make daily. To choose to be a little bit better than I was the day before. To choose to keep growing. To choose to keep progressing. But with the results I have seen thus far, there’s no lack of motivation here.

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