the endless chase

I’m not sure if I know how to be happy. I mean deeply and genuinely happy. As I examine my life I realize I have a tendency to destroy my own happiness with my fears, and doubts, and apprehension, and anxiety. It’s like right when I’m on the verge of pure joy, I sabotage it. I guess it’s a reflection of this inner belief I’ve held that I wasn’t worthy of true happiness. Always held quite honestly, for as long as I can remember. Where does this all stem from? That requires a level of soul searching I’m not ready to do. It’s a frustrating way to live. To want something and yet ruin it for yourself over and over again. To be so close to having something only to push it away because the nagging voice in the back of your head says “You don’t deserve this.” It’s never a conscious act. I don’t decide that I’m going to do something to prevent myself from being happy. It’s just a subconscious force that moves me to act in ways which defeat my own happiness. It’s tragic. To go even deeper, there are numerous times when things in my life are amazing & I don’t do something to ruin it, I just fail to let myself fully enjoy it. Like being in love but always worrying that it’ll end horribly. Or like getting amazing professional opportunities but then doubting my abilities. I live with this never ending anxiety about things going terribly wrong which causes me to miss out on things when they are wonderfully right. I feel doomed to this fate. I don’t know where to begin to overcome it. Consider these the late night ramblings of an emotional being.

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