…but tonight I’ve been thinking.
About what matters most to me in this world. About who matters most to me in this world.
And it just dawned on me that I don’t even rank in the top 5. I barely rank in the top 10.
Is that a sign of selflessness or a sign of neglect?
I put those I love and those things I am passionate about above myself.
Without thought. Without question. Without hesitation.
And perhaps that’s why I am the go to girl. Because people know that once they have my love they can pretty much have whatever else from me that they desire (so long as I am capable of providing it).
Someone I love deeply recently asked me if I thought they were using me. It caught me off guard. I associate being used with a kind of “getting what I want and then discarding you” type of mindset. Or perhaps more of a “I want what I want and I could care less about you” type of mindset. And neither was the case coming from this individual.
But when I looked up the definition of the word ‘used’, two definitions in particular stood out to me:
1) employed for a purpose
2) accustomed or habituated to
By those definitions doesn’t everyone we love use us? And don’t we use the people we love? Maybe not for material needs, but perhaps emotional. Or physical. Or mental. Or spiritual.
Back to the original point though.
I’m not a priority in my own life. I’ve never been though. So trying to change an old habit is proving to be quite a challenge.