Internal Conflict

Sometimes I tell myself that God doesn’t control everything that happens on earth.

That’s crazy though right? I have nearly 17 years of Christian teaching that tells me that he does. But sometimes I still tell myself that he doesn’t. Not because I am trying to rob him of the power he has. Not because I am lacking in faith and I don’t believe that he’s capable of possessing that kind of power. But because sometimes I do not want to give him credit for some of the things that happen on this earth and in this life.

Wait. Seems crazy, I know. But let me explain before you jump to conclusions about me.

All the positive stuff that happens I most certainly credit him with. Acts of kindness and humanity. Good will. Natural wonders of the world. Love. Beauty. Success. Happiness. That’s all God and I give credit where credit is due. But those negative things. Acts of evil. Natural disasters. I really don’t want to credit God with things like that.

Murder. Kidnapping. Rape. Torture. Terrorist Attacks. Wars. –Who really wants to believe that God allows things like this to occur. I mean they go against his very nature as God. So I’m slightly confused. Why would a God who is the exact opposite of such evil allow it to happen? Why would he allow his children to experience such horrors? Religion says, “He’s God. We aren’t meant to understand everything. All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose.” And I guess religion is right. But reality says, ” This is completely illogical. I need some answers. I need an explanation. Otherwise your credibility with me is kind of lacking.”

It really boils down to faith. I know I said earlier that is wasn’t due to a lack of faith in God’s power, and it’s not. It’s more so a matter of me wanting to preserve my faith in the God I’ve grown to love, trust, and depend on more than anyone. And that’s how it should be because after all, He Is God. But see if I believe that God allows such evil to happen then that sort of weakens my faith. And with each negative act, each horrible occurrence, each terrible encounter; my faith will just get weaker and weaker.

And the thing is I want to fully believe in God. No doubts. No hesitations. No reservations. Forget wanting to…I NEED to.

God is the only person who has proven to be 100% faithful to me all these years. And I guess I feel like saying God controls everything, meaning God allows evil and bad and misfortune—well I guess I feel like that means he isn’t as faithful as I feel like he is. Like maybe he isn’t as loyal as I know him to be. Like maybe he doesn’t care as much as I think he does. Like even though he’s been good to me so far one day he’ll turn his back and I’ll experience the horrors of this world.

Ughh. I hate myself for feeling this way. I know I shouldn’t. But I’ve just gotta be real with myself. This is where I’m at and this is my reality right now.

Maybe I watch the news too much.

“Man’s family is tortured and then set on fire.” “Girl is kidnapped, raped, and murdered.” “Earthquake kills thousands and destroys an entire country.” “Man executes wife and children.” “Suicide bombers crash into the World Trade Center.” “Five more soldiers die today.”

And that’s not even stuff that affects me personally. That doesn’t include my own personal hardships, losses, heartaches, etc.

So in order to cope I say God has no hand over all of that stuff. Because the God I know, the God I love, the God I trust- he wouldn’t let that happen. Not to his children. Not to the people he loves. Not to the people he sacrificed his son for. Not my God.

But what do I know. That’s just it- I don’t know at all. I probably seem crazy. Everybody is probably doubting my salvation. Now I guess I’m less of a Christian because I feel this way. Whatever.

This is probably one of the most real and intimate pieces of writing I’ve written for other people to read. I guess I’m glad I’m at a place where I’m willing to get this honest with myself and others. But, I’m upset that I’m in this place at all.

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