My father taught me how to be numb.
No feelings, no emotion…..absolutely nothing.
He taught me with his words. He showed me with his actions.
It’s much easier to say whatever than to admit you’re hurt.
It’s a lot more simple to say it’s not that serious than to admit it affected you.
It’s easier to tell someone to go than to ask them to stay.
And it’s a whole heck of a lot easier to say I don’t care than to say I love you.
As I learned it, emotion makes people lose respect for you. Vulnerability leaves you open to getting hurt. Feelings make you weak. “Toughen up.” “Stop crying.” “It’s not that serious.” “Get over it.”……the man primed me to be an empty shell of a woman-and that I became as time progressed.
It’s very frightening to see yourself transforming from someone who is emotional, to someone who is emotional but ashamed to show it, and then again to someone who lacks the ability to feel. No anger, sadness, joy, love. Just nothing.
I recall the first time I didn’t feel when I should have. I can’t tell you how it felt because I didn’t feel anything. I knew I should because that person should have mattered. But they didn’t. And I should have cared that I hurt them. But I didn’t. And I should have been begging them to stay when they walked out on me. But I couldn’t. There were just those thoughts. I should but I don’t. I should but I can’t.
My father lied to me.
My father made me reject people who loved me.
My father hurt me & I didn’t realize it because I couldn’t even feel hurt.
My father left me unemotional….
and now I want the emotion back.